The Top Ten Things I Learned from this Class

1)   Overpopulation is not a problem, in fact it is under-population that we should worry about. Logically, it does seem that the world’s population will suffer if it keeps increasing while the Earth’s resources run out. However, none of those doomsday predictions have come true and the world’s population is currently growing and there is no more suffering then there was back then. Humans adapt to their environment. If a resource runs out, humans will adapt to new ones. In fact, now the problem is that people are not having enough children and in a few decades, the world’s population will begin to decrease. This causes a lot of untold problems such as economic growth and social security. Our economy cannot grow if the human capital is not increasing.  If in doubt, we should follow the counsel of God who is all-knowing who said that we need to multiply and replenish the Earth.

2)   Family systems theory is a great way to look at the family as a whole. This theory looks at the whole picture rather than just pieces of it like conflict and exchange theory do. The family systems theory looks at the rules and roles of each family. Each family has a lot of unsaid rules and roles. If you think about it, there are definitely different family members that are the “peacemaker” or “spontaneous one.” This theory can be very helpful when trying to counsel with the family as one body.

3)   The social class of the family has a definite effect on the family system. Researchers have seen many different trends regarding the social class of the family. Lower class families tend to have more children than upper class families. Lower class families also tend to have a higher divorce rate then upper class families. The African American population is especially suffering from high rates of children born out of wedlock, high divorce rate, low marriage rates, and high unemployment. All the factors have a great effect on the family system.

4)   Gender is divine and our innate differences help us fulfill our roles. No matter how much people try to say and act as if boys and girls are not any different, it never succeeds. Research shows that men and women think and act differently. We are physically different and our brains are very different. We should celebrate this difference as a gift from God.

5)   “You can never get enough of what you don’t need.” ~Elder Groberg. We related this quote to same-sex orientation. I learned a lot of eye-opening things regarding gay/lesbian tendencies. Almost half of the people who are gay were molested when they were young. There is definitely a link there. There is a really wonderful theory that was proposed regarding gay tendencies. A lot of those who claim they are gay missed a strong father presence when they were young. Having a supportive father is a good protection against those tendencies. Society sometimes reinforces that gay behavior by labeling any type of more feminine behavior “gay.” Because the boy is more feminine, he probably has more female than male friends and he has a fascination with the guys that he wishes he belonged to. He wants to be accepted by them. At some point in their life these natural and good feelings are “sexualized” in some way, often by being molested. The boy then realizes that he reacted to that “sexualization” and wonders if he is gay because he reacted that way (which isn’t true – they just psychologically reinforce those feelings). They then eventually act on those unrighteous feelings and then officially indentify themselves as “gay.” We should love the person but hate the sin.

6)   The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) is a very valuable tool that helps us understand relationships. There are five parts of the RAM model. Know: how well do we know them? Trust: how much can we have confidence in them? Rely: how much can we rely on them? Commitment: long-term reliability. Touch: touch is powerful. Relationships should move from first to last. Problems come when we move backwards on the model.

7)   Money Management is a big part of a successful family. Following the principles of “One for the Money” will help families be successful in their money management. I also learned that many times couples think that a second income is all they need to be financially secure, but studies show that when a mother works, often she just makes the family just slightly more or even less because her working outside the home causes a lot of other expenses.

8)   The active parenting FLAC method can be very effective when you are trying to be a good parent. FLAC stands for feelings, limits, alternatives, and consequences. This method suggests using natural consequences as much as possible to be natural teachers. We do not have to “punish” our children. Consequences should fit the action. It doesn’t teach the child anything if the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.

9)   There are definitely ways that parents encourage and discourage their children. If we expect too little, focus on their mistakes or weaknesses, expect too much, or are overprotective or pampering, we discourage our children. We can encourage our children by showing confidence in them, build on their strengths, learn to value them, and stimulate independence in them.

10)  Forming step-families presents some very unique challenges. A lot of people are part of the family system that is trying to work together. Those in step-families should realize that after the marriage, it takes about two years to reach a “normalcy.” This normalcy however, is different then a biological family’s normalcy and those in a step-family should avoid unrealistic expectations. The step parent should try to be more like a favorite aunt/uncle rather than a disciplining parent. You cannot draw from an empty bank account.

Tips to a Successful Blended Family

A marriage of two people with which one or both of the spouses has experienced a previous marriage presents several challenges unique to their situation. Especially if they come into the marriage with children.
Challenge 1: Parenting
This is one of the greatest challenges a blended family will have to deal with. Other couples on their first marriage generally have a period of time with just the two of them. They then have the opportunity to bring a child into the world together. In the case of a blended family, one or both of the spouses is coming into a co-parenting relationship from a sole-parent state. They may have even been a sole-parent for quite some time. It is hard to let someone else parent your child(ren) when you have been used to doing it by yourself. This might cause the parent to be more lenient then they normally would be if they feel their spouse is being "too strict" with their children. This can then in turn cause a rift in the marriage. Good communication and learning to let your spouse parent the child(ren) can help keep you closer together as you strive to form this new family.
Challenge 2: Normalcy
Realize that creating a family takes time, especially when blending two very different histories and traditions. Research shows that in a blended family, it takes about 2 years to reach a "normalcy". Also realize that this normalcy is different then a biological family's normalcy. Expect things to be different and you will gain a greater sense of peace because of it.

Encouraging/Discouraging Our Children

As I am sure many people do, I worry about how I can raise my children in wisdom and correctness, yet not discourage them throughout their journey through life.
I learned these amazing points through the "Active Parenting" program that will help me to encourage my children rather than unconsciously discouraging them:

HOW WE DISCOURAGE:
-Expecting too little of our children (our children need to feel challenged in order to succeed)
-Focus on their mistakes/weaknesses (avoiding things like "You are always late!" "You never do this right!")
-Expecting too much (If we are so perfectionist that our children never meet our expectations, they will lose self-esteem)
-Overprotecting/Pampering (Doing things for our children that they could do themselves-makes them dependent).

HOW WE ENCOURAGE:
-Show confidence (saying things like, "I knew you could raise that grade to a B+! Great job!" or "I know you can be on time, you were so good at it last week").
-Build on strengths (focus on their strengths before helping them fix their weaknesses).
-Learn to value (value your children and let them know how you feel when they do things, give them positive feedback).
-Stimulate Independence (children like to feel independent - give them choices and foster independence).

We need to teach our children our children good values and be firm and consistent in our parenting, but this does not mean that we will discourage our kids in the process. If we follow these tips, I believe that parents can become better and more encouraging parents.

Family Work

Many things have changed over the past few generations.

Things families did in the past:
-Families worked together to support themselves.
-The father was generally at home working side-by-side with his family.
-The family did chores that supported the whole family rather then themselves.
-Work was expected of every family member.
-Much of the work involved hard physical labor.

Things families do now:
-The father and even the mother often leave the home for "work" to support the family.
-Children's chores are often for themselves such as cleaning their room or picking up their toys.
-Modern day conveniences allow for little hard physical labor.

By comparing these two lists it is obvious that the nature of family work has changed drastically over the past few generations. Does the change in the nature of family work affect family relationships? I would say definitely yes. How could it not? The very lifestyle of the family has changed. Studies have shown that when children are only expected to do work for themselves, they grow up more self-centered. If we want to instill the value of selflessness in our children, then we should expect family work and not self focused work. We need to be aware of how much time we are away from the house and our children and make sure that relationship stays strong even if we are not able to be there all the time. We should definitely make an effort to work side-by-side with our children to encourage them to love and learn from the work they do. Working with our children also strengthens our relationship with them. During those mundane tasks, we have the opportunity to talk with our children and spend time with them. This is truly invaluable. I believe that through family work, the family can be greatly strengthened.

How to Prevent Fights from Escalating

This week has been spectacular! I have learned so many valuable things! There is one thing though that I wish to share that has made me see my marriage in a whole different light.
Conflict is inevitable in marriage. Conflict is simply the differing of ideas between two people. It is not necessarily a bad thing, however, if conflict escalates into a hurtful fight, then it can be damaging to the marriage.
Why do we fight with people we love? Why do we say things that we don't really mean or do things that we regret later? Why don't we think rationally when fighting?

The answer lies in one of our instincts. The "fight" or "flight" response. It doesn't differentiate between a physical and emotional danger. The thing that each person fears when a fight is about to begin is the loss of love or companionship from that person. This is a scary feeling. We need companionship and love and we are willing to do anything to keep it, even though how we react doesn't help us keep this love. Our body reacts by wanting to fight or take flight. Both things are not healthy for a relationship. If we realize that this is why fights or flights happen, then we can take some preventative measures to prevent fights from escalating and to prevent our bodies from going into this instinctive mode.
The first thing we need to do when we feel like a fight could occur is to assure each other of our love and devotion. This is the danger that we are innately afraid of. If there is not danger, there is no need to act or think irrationally. We can begin talking about issues by saying, "Honey I love you so much, we need to talk about..." This simple statement can change the whole course of the conversation.
I think everyone should try this technique and discover how it can change their relationship!  

Teaching Children About Sex

Every child's experience about how they learn about sex is different. I believe the many parents of the previous generation had a hard time talking about sex and so they were not prepared to teach their children effectively about sex. Teaching children about sex can be a great opportunity to share some of your beliefs to your children and can create a good bonding experience between the two of you... or it could be a complete disaster. There are a few things to keep in mind when teaching your children about sex:
1) Don't let it be a shocking, awkward, embarrassing, or angry moment! A child will never want to talk to you again about it if he or she feels any of these emotions while talking with you about it.
2) Take advantage of the teaching moments. Children learn best in those small successive opportunities that present themselves throughout the years.
3) Focus both on the physical/medical aspect as well as the spiritual. Each child needs both to get a good picture of what sex really is and what it is meant to be.
4) Be willing to answer your child's questions and express your willingness to talk about any topic with them.

I believe if you follow these simple tips then your experience with your child will be much better off.

The New Arrival

The arrival of a baby in the family brings many new aspects to the marriage. Many young couples fear this time because they know researchers have come to the conclusion that in general, the arrival of a first child results in a decrease in marital satisfaction for both the wife and the husband.
I believe however, that these warnings about the decrease in marital satisfaction are blown out of proportion.

Often when the chart that shows the drop in marital satisfaction is shown, as shown on the left, it focuses in on just a few percentage points so that it looks like when baby comes, there is a dramatic decrease in marital satisfaction, when in reality, it might only decrease a few percentage points, but in the grand scheme of things, it is not a huge decrease.

This time of course will be more difficult then other times, so a couple should not expect the bliss that they had when they first got married, but that doesn't mean that they can't be any less happy. Their focus will change for a time. This transition to focusing on a child can be difficult because it is a real change that needs to happen within the couple's relationship.

I believe that couples should not fear this time in their marriage, but should look forward to it. One-third of couples experience a marital satisfaction increase after the birth of their first child! If a couple commits to focusing on their relationship even in the midst of having a new child, they certainly can be successful in making this important transition in their lives.

Marriage Preparation!

I was really intrigued by the RAM model that we learned about! This thing is so interesting and I think every young person should know about this before they enter the dating scene. We would definitely have a lot less problems in society if everyone followed this model!
1) We need to KNOW someone before we go any further with the relationship. A of people fly over this aspect and move onto other steps within the RAM model, but knowing is critical! The more you know someone, the less surprises you will have once you are married and living with them for eternity! Knowing someone takes time and seeing that person in a variety of situations.
2) The next step is trusting someone. Once we know someone, we know to what extent we can trust them. We will trust them by sharing with them things we wouldn't tell just anyone and we expect the other person to reciprocate. We should be able to trust someone not to hurt us or intentionally do us harm.
3) The third step is relying on that person. After we know them and we feel we can trust them, we begin to rely on that person. The difference with trusting and relying is more of a practical/emotional difference. To say I trust someone is to put faith in their character whereas relying on someone is trusting in them on a practical level. Like relying on someone to physically be there when you need them to be or relying on them to take care of the bills that week. We need to have trust in their character before we can practically rely on them.
4) Once we feel like we know them, that we trust them, and that we can practically rely on someone, we then can feel comfortable in upping our commitment level to them. We know that we can rely on them to reciprocate the commitment.
5) Finally touch is like icing on the cake. It enhances the relationship beautifully. Touch is the glue to our comittment. It is only after we feel like we know them, that we can trust and rely on them, and that they are as committed as we are, then touch comes in. This will truly make our relationship beautiful!
I believe in this model and I think everyone should try it out!

Yes! Boys & Girls ARE Different!

Men and women are different and there are reasons for that! We should celebrate and respect our differences rather than disrespect them or pretend that they don't even exist.
God created male and female and we each have different roles to play here on Earth.
Men were created by God to be protectors and defenders of the faith. Men are perfectly suited to fulfill this divine mission. Should we really discourage our young boys to act out battles between "good" and "evil"? Is not this their eternal destiny? Were they not divinely programed to fight the ultimate battle between good and evil? They are simply acting out on their innate divine heritage. Men need to be a little more independent and aggressive in order to be a solid foundation for God and their family.
Women have a divine purpose too. They are the glue that holds the family together. They were created by God to do this exact thing. Women are generally sensitive and nurturing. These are the perfect characteristics for raising children and supporting a husband.
We shouldn't deny our innate divine heritages. Men and women are designed to fit together perfectly. Of course differences sometimes cause frustration, but part of becoming perfect is learning how to fit perfectly with your other half.
I know I appreciate the differences my husband and I share. We are definitely different and have very different strengths and weaknesses, however, I feel that together, we can conquer the world.    

Thoughts on Social Class in America

I wonder if it's possible to have a society where social class does not exist. Many people form countries with an aspiration of having no social class. America had this ideal when it separated from England. However, throughout it's history as an independent nation, there has always been classes. Their was the rich Americans and the poor immigrants or the city folk and the backwoods folk. People naturally separate themselves. It is human nature. As Americans, we still like to believe that our country is classless. However, the reality is that there are definitely classes.
A person's class influences their family structure and way of life. In class, a great question was brought up: does social class influence the family's capacity to meet its needs, responsibilities, and purposes? I think this is a fascinating question. This question spurns some other questions. What constitutes a family's needs? What are a family's responsibilities? What is the family's purpose?
I think needs are pretty easy to define. Every person needs food, shelter, and clothing. Most everyone can provide these to their family. It is true that the quality of the food, shelter, and clothing vary among the classes, but most families can provide the basic necessities to their family.
The family's responsibilities can be pretty clear too. A family needs to provide for itself and care for each of its family members. I believe that each class is able to do that.
The last question though, is a little more ambiguous. What is a family's purpose? And does class influence this? I believe this is a question that everyone should ponder and decide for themselves.

Conflict Theory

After discussing the different family theories in class, I was fascinated by each one of them. I really believe that they are valuable tools in understanding family relations.
I was talking with my husband about conflict theory and I mentioned that it is natural to have conflict in a marriage relationship when two people are so close. He had an interesting insight into this. He said that many people dream of the "perfect" relationship where no conflicts exist. This is a dream that will never happen. Often conflict comes from a difference of ideas and backgrounds. He said that if you really want to marry someone who shares the same ideas and background as you, you would have to marry your brother. Even with your brother, just think of how much you fought as kids! And in that case you had very similar views and background and still fought! How natural is a little conflict in family relationships? I think it is quite natural. However, if conflicts are dealt with in a rational way, there is no need for them to cause negativity in a relationship.

Depopulation?

In 1968, Paul Ehrlich published a book called "The Population Bomb." This book was really influential during the 70's. People began to worry about the ever-growing world population. Many worried that there were only so many resources to go around and that one day they would run out. Some even went as far as to say that having children was unethical. The whole "zero-population" phenomenon was born. Ehrlich predicted that mass starvations would ensue within the next decade...

Now 44 years later...

Ehrlich definitely missed the mark on that one. If anything, we have less starvation!

However, the craze that Ehrlich influenced has caused new problems in our current decade. In almost every country in the world, fertility rates have dropped dramatically. So dramatically in fact that our population will begin decreasing  within our lifetime!

This will cause many economic problems in the upcoming future. Imagine a world where there is fewer younger people than older people? Will those younger people be able to support those that are retired? How will the world maintain the same standard of living with fewer workers? Any social type systems will collapse. Countries are worried about this upcoming problem. Many countries in Europe are trying to encourage their citizens to have children by offering money to those who have kids or free child care. None of these measures have worked.

I believe in families! And families include children! This is the way we can fix the world's depopulation problems. It is the most simplest solution. We need to bunk this trend and push forward in a world that does not always encourage the traditional family! True joy comes from the family.